2013 thus far has been the perfect illustration of me at both my best and my worst as a writer; one terrific and terrible run-on sentence. What I really mean is that I blew open the door to this year with a frantic trip to the emergency room that would lead to 2 procedures, a surgery, a car accident, some residual scars, a neck brace and a whole lot of pain coupled with an entirely reworked diet consisting mostly of pureed fruits and veggies. Needless to say right about now it would be a delight to be consumed by the love and presence of God. I know that it is only in that secret place that this sense of emptiness that I am experiencing would be trumped and completely overshadowed by the purpose of God in all of this. With that being said, I cannot say that I am completely unraveling or even disturbed presently, but I have over time allowed compliance and complacency to take root in my heart and I know better than to trust Meghan most days. There is an unspoken sense of indifference that I strongly war against because I also have an unswerving faith and trust in my Best Friend. I guess my neglect of the incomparable relationship as I knew it, left me feeling dejected and even aloof. These feelings of disconnection have only been heightened by the solitude that I have both cultivated and perfected over time. Because I have secluded myself so thoroughly, I have at times also excluded myself from the only true safe space I have ever found. My communication with God has become one-sided to the extent that I don’t purposely seek out a meeting place or a set-aside time of prayer. My communication with God has become centered on myself, certainly due to circumstance and definitely due to pain. Because of this, my prayer life that I once loved, has been relegated to a kind of stream of consciousness, unspoken, and at times unintentional communication. On countless occasions the Holy Spirit has impressed upon my spirit to get quiet(er), or to make new entries in my journal and I have elected to blatantly disobey for a myriad of reasons ranging from physical pain to mental fatigue and decided to just do NOTHING. Nothing has become my consistent place, so much so, that in the past 4 months my response to 75% of the inquiries I have received has been “nothing.” “What are you doing?” ‘NOTHING.’ “What do you want to eat?” ‘NOTHING.’ “What did the doctor say?” ‘A whole bunch of NOTHING!’ The list of incomplete and unfinished projects and books are innumerable and this fact has become an unwelcome guest in the place that my character dwells. To be complete, to reach fulfillment, or even to experience a belly that is full have all effectively escaped my grasp in 2013. I have painstakingly laid bare the shortcomings of this self-professed over-achiever, and I must begin to conclude this brief writing with the thread that has been present throughout all of this. Simply put, God was there with me, God is here with me, and God has gone before me. What I really mean is this; it is and has all been necessary for my formation. My hyper-sensitivity, the awareness of my shortcomings, and even in the midst of my deep sea of NOTHING, I have affirmed the truth that both within and outside of my being, my anchor, sustainment and yes even my hope is in God. So if the cost of the misery that has been 2013 was to solidify this fact for me, I would gladly do it all over again. My prayer and hope for this unfiltered and transparent submission, is to unhook anyone chained to guilt as a result of seemingly losing fervor and spiritual vitality in any hard place. I believe with all of my heart that we will come out of this thing BETTER!
As usual the bible says it so much better than I ever could… check out Philippians 3:7-11
7-9 The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn’t want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God’s righteousness.10-11 I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it. (MSG)
